A false battle, nomore.

Being a 90's kid from South Bangalore, Basavanagudi to be more precise, the agenda of my life is pretty set. Fresh filter coffee is something I would compromise my requirements for. The only person I hate is the one who refuses to serve me the third and fourth round of coconut chutney for the two Idlys I eat. After having led this life, things should have been pretty smooth. Well, i did expect it to be one. But the turn of events were very different than my imagination. After quitting my job and all the time and money that went into Kaleido to build a team of volunteers and execute a few good projects, my life has pivoted on a pretty decent fulcrum. Now, I am trying to manage a startup hoping to make some difference and leave this planet with lesser regrets.

In the quest of understanding life to make some sense out of it, I have had the opportunity to look around. It is so easy to consider yourself to be an integral part of the ambience you are living in, only to realise later that your occupancy in a particular space on earth is simply out of sheer luck and is temporary for sure. Not that you all dont know about this, it is just me talking to myself to get a headstart here. 

Well, I find no difference between a Monday and a Sunday now. I have actually stopped having Monday blues from last three years. If I am not travelling to the villages and the forests, I am home, working. Even after working my ass off most of them around still share their sympathies towards me thinking that I don’t have a proper job. Being an immensely lethargic person that I am and playing to the whims of instant gratification, I have struggled to even react to this. I am getting paid at the end of the month. Why would I even react? I have my own money now; with absolutely no idea for how long will I be able to generate this. The situation is pretty scary for sure.

It has been really hard to generate a day’s work, every day, week on week. People around won’t get it that I am onto a job with purpose and I am happy doing what I am doing. So, what I do is post all my travels online. It gives me a sense of effort. I mean, when people around me don’t consider that I have a job while I am running around missing meetups with friends on the weekend and taking a lazy Sunday nap, it becomes important to keep the motivation up high. And to therefore justify my own time and efforts to myself sometimes, most of the times, I post my stories online. Articles I read on ‘Dilemmas of a social entrepreneur’ are now proving to be true.

Over the last few posts I have managed to gather quite a chunk of people following what I do. Or so I think. It is no rocket science. Sometimes I feel, is it just the Instagram filters doing the job or is it me really working. And as I try and assimilate my thoughts on this, I end up with a startling revelation. All these posting online and publishing stories online has made me a bit self-obsessed with the work. And now I am able to take the looks on people face about me not having a real job, quite well.

Most of my description about what I do is immediately categorized under this most famous term ever (in khadi quotes) “Non-profit”. I will not touch upon the sanctity in its aura or the heaps of corruption that takes place within it. It is none of my business currently, because we are not one and I definitely don’t wear Khadi to work unless it’s an occasion. Farmers and most of the rural livelihood opportunities are all activities of economic exchange finally. And for a sustainable and a continued support that link in the chain should also be of similar nature. No wonder we are witnessing so many trusts and NGOs failing to deliver outcomes and considerably improve the situation of agriculture and the farmers.

Much has been spoken about romanticizing the issues of farmers and the efforts that are apparently focused towards solving them. And I have not refrained from throwing my opinions on the table as well. I have gathered viewers and listeners just by telling stories of what I have seen and experienced. Carrying absolutely no credibility in the agriculture space or in any holistic work under the socio-economic development umbrella, I set out bravely sharing stories. It started convincing people on what I was in actual sense blabbering. I don’t intend to tell that people arent smart enough to accept random chatter. Over time, it started pulling down on me. I was concerned about any fallacy that might possibly surface. With me still learning and understanding stuff, very much incapable of taking the stories to real actions on field. And I had in my network too many intelligent people who actually knew what they were doing in life. I was scared. I had an opinion on everything. One on conservation, one on rural development, one on mining and how tribals are affected by it, another on how kannada cinema industry is now producing excellent content; I mean I was becoming a confused soul for the world.

Looking back now, I might have been that confused soul, the world saw. And I am in no mood to disagree with that.  But I have helped myself a perspective that only I can see from. Things havent changed much from the point where I had no credibility when it comes to my experience in agriculture or holistic development agendas. But strangely I see the effort has increased and my footprint on the no of communities too. After exactly 3 years since the day I quit my job, I have reached where I wanted to, only to realise that it is just the starting point.

Confusions arent clear though and it still persists. Just that now I truly believe and peacefully accept that I don’t know certain things and have thereby stopped fighting false battles with myself. This has helped focus my energies on my strengths. Much of this mindset can be attributed to my engagements with a few set of people around me. I shall specifically refrain from naming them. Not that I don’t want to reveal my nature of relationship with them, it is just that I like to choose better ways of showcasing gratitude. It is to be planned and executed better. Plain words and expression won’t suffice. The struggling phase of my life was brilliantly supported by these wonderful people.

These are actual exciting times of my life. Projects have traction. I have begun to love to talk less, which, I consider to be a great progress over the last one year. I have work every day like most of you people out there, all 7 days actually. Leading operations for Ananya Drishtee Sustainable Communities Pvt ltd (ADSC) and driving Tenesiri, I have started enjoying the projects I am involved in. I feel my life is now more focused but only to realise that my time is split between ADSC, Tenesiri, Kaleido projects, Badminton and a personal research. Not much of a focus, is there? But I see them dots connecting. Slowly but eventually, I am sure.