Bitter Sweet Symphony!

Ok, few more weeks for the end of 2013 and its two and a half years at work now. Looking back I should admit, that it is only in these two and a half years I have seen life; more so in the last one year. It was all smooth until then. Thanks to my parents and my brother who took care of me so well until I passed out from college. They allowed me to commit mistakes, taught me over and over and allowed me to take my own decisions. I was never insisted upon. With this culture in the upbringing, one can expect that a person will never keep a foot wrong. Not that they are not looking after me now, it is just that I am managing myself, atleast trying to. Now if I look back, I have to search and count the few good things that has happened. It is very clear that something went horribly wrong somewhere. Or wait, do I have to believe that everything that happens is for good and take it positively. Let me check.

These year ends always glooms over me heavily. It weighs more than those of my birthdays. This is clearly an year gone on all records, not just yours.  It is a big reminder; not that you are ageing but just that one year of your precious life is done and dusted. And you immediately look back and try to understand the worth you have impressed on it. And that’s where the concern is and that’s why I cannot remain dumbstruck about it, like other days. Well New Year, new Hope; agreed. May be that’s only because I have got no other choice. Like all other year ends, the thought process has become heavy. Strangely so, I am in no mood to make it light. I am happy for going through the things that I have gone through and committing the mistakes that I have committed. So, if I really look back now, there is a new perspective in place. That is a big positive, entering the zone of New Hope, which in itself is positive.

While Amma, Pappa and I were having dinner last night, Pappa said that it makes zero sense to bother about the past and to think about the future is a waste of time. Although there should be a plan for it, the focus is always the present. For me the timing of this observation was just perfect. It cleared a few botherations immediately as we were discussing about a small little adventure of mine exactly an year back. The man who was pushing his auto in the middle of the Outer Ring road standing on the right unfortunately was run over by my Yamaha at around 70 Kmph. It was a curve, with the dust up in the air and the street lights taking big rest, exiting the right bend I was caught blindfolded. Well, the man now is fine and onto the roads, hopefully inside his three wheeler. I had to and have taken care of him quite well. It is work in process and struggling to find an end. It would have been easier for me if I had given my wallet and all the pins to him itself. That would have saved on my logistics a bit.

Nevertheless, this was how it all started for me, the new hope, in 2013. The fear of stepping into a police station screwed up all my ethics in life. Bribing the policeman, I succumbed and did bring myself, my parents and my brother down. Although the auto driver and I signed an agreement for which I have adhered sincerely to, the procedures were completed outside the police station. This in no way helped Garnish new hope onto my platter. It was spread, tasted bitter, rough to swallow and hard to digest. Although my present focus is not about this event in the past, the gravity of it is of such predominance. It is difficult to get rid of it.

Life had to move on anyway. Although I could afford to go into a depressive mode inside my own block, I preferred to stay out of it. The situations were all helping and it was perfect timing for a sympathy seeking spree.  Just when it seemed to be heading towards a fine settle, this life had more to offer. It was a test I felt, at that point. I might have brought some onto myself and some might have just happened, either way it was a challenge and I had to face it. The person who took a very special position in my life, the person who had a virtual presence during all my acts, the person who showed a whole new dimension and changed the course of my wandering life, passed on the light to all his believers and left all of us. Late. Mohan Das Davaskar, a great Social Worker fought hard till his last breath. I am sure he thought about the prosperity of those underprivileged children in his orphanage and elsewhere in this world even during his final breath. Half-way through in the month of February, it all became just a memory for me and lot of us. The two years of interaction with Sir, became a thing of the past. I could only stare at his eyes closed and cold and reflect. It was difficult to assure him on carrying forward the baton of light he passed onto us. The emotion was very strong and extremely heavy. All of us responsible to carry the baton had lost all energies to run with it at that point.

For the second time in my life it struck me that one cannot change what has happened how much ever one digs into it. This whole thing brought back the memories of my ajji (grandmother). I realized what bonding in a relationship means. One generally doesn’t recognize or appreciate it until it is lost. Taking certain things for granted and assuming liberty to neglect this fact, we lose out on lot of small things in life that gives us happiness. And one final day it just flashes into your mind every now and then when we have lost it.  And the worst part of it all; it stays. And this is when exactly it struck me. Every second you leave behind a past.  Every second the needle jumps you leave behind what you have done the second before. It can only be reflected upon and nothing else can be done about it.

Amidst all these emotions running high, the scheme of things at work was not turning out right. Failing to manage the one person in his team well, my manager was becoming a big hurdle at work. Lot of things I learnt, nevertheless. Rather lot of unlearning happened, even before I could learn. And I never knew I could be so patient. When a manager taunts regularly his only team mate and offers zero support, starts expecting heavens to come down, I could only shut and take a deep breath. Oh yes, and don’t care about the shit thrown at. It was seriously getting difficult to manage. None to share with, considering that I was already living inside my own block, it became extremely difficult to handle it alone. The mind clearly became weak. It went in search of support. A support that was strong enough to bear the weight of my disturbed sack, a support that would eventually make my thought process light and clear. I started looking out for inspiration and I had gone considerably silent. Although I realize now, unless you do it in real, whatever you want to do, reading through the inspirational quotes is nothing but a waste of time.

With such a state of mind, came the biggest responsibility then. Here was an opportunity to clearly take the baton passed onto us by Late Mohan Sir and carry it beautifully well. Thinking from the Organization’s perspective, Belaku Shishu Nivasa could not stop its Annual Day Celebrations considering the demise of its founder. Kaleido stepped forward to assume the responsibility of the event. And I wanted to take it upon myself to put maximum efforts to drive it through. May be I was fascinated. May be I was very emotionally driven to step forward. May be I was excited about the opportunity the team had got. Anyway, the team took the responsibility up, beautifully well. Everyone slogged like there was no tomorrow. We coordinated like there was no better way out to work. For me personally, it was very taxing. After the accident, I had taken to the city corporation Busses to travel to work and back home. My day started at 6:30 in the morning with the theatre practice at the orphanage, and then I hurried to a hotel for a quick bite and then hop onto the bus for work which I could not miss. Counter my manager every minute taking deep breaths, leave work at 9:00 in the night to hop onto a bus, whichever comes first, and by 10:30 reach home. Work on the script and other aspects of the production after dinner and sleep at 1:30AM. Well for nearly two months this rough routine prevailed. And the only positive thing for me came in the month of May, when we had a good annual Day celebration, in the memory of our Mohan Sir.

With absolutely no knowledge about rest and peace, time flew. At certain points later I felt more like I was trying to run on the cold hard ground searching for a soft spot to rest. There was no clarity in me for sure; for me it was very evident, may be for others as well. And I know for a fact that lot of people think that I am extremely fickle minded and I am not in denial at all. At the same time, a close friend had a new idea for which he had started working upon. I was invited too. My intentions were clear upfront that I don’t want to get into it. Although we never exchanged our bitterness directly face-to-face on the decision I took, it was in the air and I was made to realize this. With all the things in the back of mind, I had failed to recognize this little thing that had quite a silent catastrophic effect. Nevertheless, I am putting it all out now with a hope to justify my behavior then. Well he called it ‘WeChitra’ and for the time Kumara had to work it out and for the support he got for it, he has done a commendable job, slogging for it all alone. I am sure he will elevate the whole deal to the next level, coming back after finishing his masters’ program from the United States of America.

All this was just before Kumara left to the US. Now that was another hit and personally it was very difficult to comprehend. Well, much has been spoken already about this and it has been considered to be an ‘emotional atyachar’ of sorts as well. Nevertheless, with Akshay also packing his bags for the US, it was not helping at all. The two good friends were departing, although temporarily, they were surely to be missed. Strangely so amidst this we planned a trip before they left the place. And now was the time where I hoped for a turn-around of things. Away from the routine, I was going to a place where you I dump all my misery and forget about it coming back. With heavens opening up on the day of the trip and Kumara just being able to make it, coming back from Chennai bagging his Visa, the possibility of making the trip was undoubtedly questionable. But thankfully so, we made it to Amuji in Udipi to Bhatta’s place. The two days we spent there was a big cool-off. Although I had still got none to share with, or none to off-load all those things I went through, I had managed to curb it down myself and make the whole deal seem light.  It was surely refreshing. It brought back intent. The lost fire seemed to have lit up again. Although the flames were down, it had lit.

With this offering upfront in a new year, you are sure about being down and out for the latter part of it. But I learnt a few things in this little phase which added some hope going forward. A few things changed. Well, my colleague at work always said that life is like a wheel, and everybody will have to face situations in life. We discussed that it all then comes down to how one handles it. And my manager surely failed in handling it well. He was called down to Bangalore from his residential office at Pune, his laptop was snatched and a written resignation letter was demanded for. Things started to settle slowly at work. I had never thought I would come to face such situations in life. It was all easy going for me till then and whatever I went through later was new. People say, life entangled into various situations and tough to comprehend is a difficult one to lead. Until I went through all of it, I always felt all these emotions were limited to a screen and a stage. Being a part of the creative fraternity, I should have realized all this upfront. With an easy life, you miss out on lot of things. This was a revelation to me. And it was not pleasant. 

I was able to win trust at few places, but clearly lost it at all important ones. There is always a doubt attached. I was seen as a sympathy seeker, I understood. May be I tried to draw more attention towards myself. May be I was trying to come out of my own block. In that effort I might be trying to express myself to try and convince. Let the actions speak, I was told. I now agree on that. It took time for me to realize that state of mine. It is good you know atleast I feel that I am out of my block and free from the fascinations I was after. I might have clearly lost a year to realize this. But if I had not gone through whatever I had gone through I would have remained inside my little block still fooling myself that it is all worldly and real inside.

It is the comfort zone inside which you build your own god damn world and try living it, just so you are scared to venture out into the real. Although my condition was not so literal, deep inside my thoughts suffered from this condition. Being fascinated helped me climb the ladder out into the real. But the mistake was I continued being fascinated and fascinated only. It never did convert into interest and passion. Clearly this is where it all seemed to have gone wrong. Understanding this was a tight slap on my face and strangely so I was happy about it. I was clearly behind my fascinations and in awe all the time. But you need to focus with interest and passion and be crazy about that one thing, I understood.

I have no idea how I did end up with this inference as not many events that I was a part of carried this symptom. May be as my colleague and I discussed, it is all about handling the situation well, when the wheel turns downwards. In an effort to do so, I got involved into lot of things that help me turn the wheel back up. Anyway at the end of it all, if I take to the air and have a bird’s eye-view of the complete situation, I feel it was all necessary. And it has helped me to realize how beautifully I was fooling myself all this time. Well it is very clear that something went horribly wrong somewhere. Or wait, let me now believe that everything that has happened is for good and take it positively. Looking back now, the first half of 2013 feels more like a Bitter Sweet Symphony.