Half way through to 26!
Time has flew past and it is the peak time in my life now. I am 25 and half way through to 26. I have heard off late that lot of success stories had their struggling phase starting when they were 25. People quitting their 9 to 6 jobs for something they are really passionate about, people standing in queues for an opportunity to work inside a film studio, people staying hungry inevitably but largely fueled by their passion to go behind what they want in life.
Going through a few of them, i had to look back at my own life. Whats the point of reading all of it, if i don't learn anything out of it. Certain things became clear. The weakness, guiding my life, surfaced quickly. To rise out of it from strength, is still to be checked. But it showed up immediately. Forget leading a change, following the passion itself seemed a bit difficult. It boiled to this question; What is the purpose of my life?
Well, for the record, i have quit my 9 to 9 white collar lucrative job as well. I was not happy working for someone else. Although i enjoyed my work, the month end filler didn't make me really happy. The rupee didn't impress me much. I miserably failed to see real value through it. I wanted something better. And three months down, i am yet to find it. I now manage a NGO, which primarily was a group of friends coming together for a cause.
There is no pressure of somebody riding behind my back for money that i should earn everyday. I am lucky enough to be rid of such pressures. Thanks to my parents and brother. Their sacrifice is in a way a reason behind this thought process of mine. I would say the chaos theory or shall i call it the butterfly effect has just been proved in my case. But It has been a roller coaster ride inside. Not everything is rosy around now, like before.
Relationships stand solely on trust now. The interactions reduced. Friends and family believe you are onto something. Of course there is no end to a human expectation. Its when you have more free time, rather more idle time, the devil's mind starts creeping inside of you. Without a reality check, things are assumed and taken for granted. You are on your own now. The suffering is more. The emotions are higher. And damn, this is for a fact, that you always seek help although you know you shouldn't. Now that's when i realized, how loosely i am playing my life allowing my weakness to guide it. It was a slap on my face to realize that how much i crib now. And amidst all these, the passion seems to have lost its face. But, wait.
Over the last few months i have realized one thing, when i compared all that i expected with the results i got. Preference drives a man's ego. For me nothing else mattered. I just wanted to feel connected with the world. Strangely so, i want to be alone always. Don't confuse me to be a loner. I am not. I just like solitude. But feeling left out in most of the activities around and not being informed about certain developments really got onto me. Its better certain things remain in dark if in dark. That, the truth is never sweet, especially when you come to know of it accidentally. And that is when you know you have lost preference. That was when i realized the gaps in what i expected, to the results i got. And from then on, i was able to manage myself better.
The after effects do remain and spikes out now and then. But i am able to largely manage my emotions better. I will be shifting base in a few days. This new assignment has changed certain things around for me now. But the craving for lost preference has never, and i think will never die. So, it was clear that my whole life last few days, rather months was being guided by this single weakness of craving for lost preference. Although i have found it extremely difficult to get out of it, i can only otherwise start understanding what i really want in life and go behind it, while i still carry this burden of trying to gain lost preference.
Its like John Nash. You see, he is never out of this hallucination of people driving him crazy. No medication, absolutely no medication helps him. He finally decides to accept it and live with it as he continues his work in Mathematics. Human Mind i come to understand now, is the most strangest thing i have encountered in life. Guess what, it is my own mind and how i have failed in understanding it. Of course John Nash, won a Nobel. He was a freak. Now the question is, can i be one? No, i don't intend to dream of a Nobel. My technical skills are so poor that i have limited myself to working with people. Now, that is another weakness guiding my life. I really hope with this realization i will still be able to look at other options to integrate as i go ahead and start working with people. Its just that can i be the one who followed his passion and succeeded?
So, when i look back at my life now, and compare it with an achiever at the age of 25, i have no matches on the check list except that i have quit a lucrative job for something i want, which i am not yet very clear about. This does send the chills down the spine, when i look at my friends who have already started to save for the future. Some of them happily married as well. And i am standing here at the cross roads, ready to leave behind all that defined me for the people who saw me from outside. I am here standing at the cross roads, as the new journey beckons strong. It is undoubtedly exciting. I am all geared up and ready. But little concerns flashes across.
The facts of those achievers at 25, really don't suggest all this emotional drama in their lives. I am happy for them, if they haven't experienced such shit in their life. Facts are there to see. A person standing in the queue for an opportunity to work under the best director in the film industry is obvious. We all can gauge the heat and his/ her hunger and perseverance. But knowing just about these facts will not inspire much. As far as i am concerned, every person has his/her own situations to deal with. Any physical situation can be dealt with as long as we are really serious about what we want in life. Even Steve Jobs cried his heart out, when he was thrown out of his own company. This nobody cares for a fact in the growth story of Apple Computers Inc and Steve Jobs himself. I think i have realized this for a fact, that it is about being strong in such emotionally pressing situations that will take a person far.
And when i looked back at my own life, i have to agree that i have failed in being strong inherently. Although my expression of weakness has been largely selective, it doesn't mean i was able to be strong enough at other places. But strangely so, again, things have happened. I was able to steer a lot of activities on my desk ahead to success. Now, that is when i start to look at myself again. How was i able to hold the fort together, even when the chips were down and out. It all suggested one thing. At certain places, i was actually playing to my strength. With this, the haze around started to clear off slowly, layer by layer.
It is only logical now for me to play my life like how John Nash turned back at his, just before he won the Nobel. Its not a gentleman's action to force lost preference. Let the world know of you, when they want to. The focus needs to shift and for good. It is important to build on the strengths. Managing oneself is quite a humongous task. Getting inspired on facts is easy. Unless you aren't aware of your own situation, you cant move a hair.
One thing i know for a fact now, that i still have a long way to go for this piece of shit i have written to be considered as one of those struggling stories.
Going through a few of them, i had to look back at my own life. Whats the point of reading all of it, if i don't learn anything out of it. Certain things became clear. The weakness, guiding my life, surfaced quickly. To rise out of it from strength, is still to be checked. But it showed up immediately. Forget leading a change, following the passion itself seemed a bit difficult. It boiled to this question; What is the purpose of my life?
Well, for the record, i have quit my 9 to 9 white collar lucrative job as well. I was not happy working for someone else. Although i enjoyed my work, the month end filler didn't make me really happy. The rupee didn't impress me much. I miserably failed to see real value through it. I wanted something better. And three months down, i am yet to find it. I now manage a NGO, which primarily was a group of friends coming together for a cause.
There is no pressure of somebody riding behind my back for money that i should earn everyday. I am lucky enough to be rid of such pressures. Thanks to my parents and brother. Their sacrifice is in a way a reason behind this thought process of mine. I would say the chaos theory or shall i call it the butterfly effect has just been proved in my case. But It has been a roller coaster ride inside. Not everything is rosy around now, like before.
Relationships stand solely on trust now. The interactions reduced. Friends and family believe you are onto something. Of course there is no end to a human expectation. Its when you have more free time, rather more idle time, the devil's mind starts creeping inside of you. Without a reality check, things are assumed and taken for granted. You are on your own now. The suffering is more. The emotions are higher. And damn, this is for a fact, that you always seek help although you know you shouldn't. Now that's when i realized, how loosely i am playing my life allowing my weakness to guide it. It was a slap on my face to realize that how much i crib now. And amidst all these, the passion seems to have lost its face. But, wait.
Over the last few months i have realized one thing, when i compared all that i expected with the results i got. Preference drives a man's ego. For me nothing else mattered. I just wanted to feel connected with the world. Strangely so, i want to be alone always. Don't confuse me to be a loner. I am not. I just like solitude. But feeling left out in most of the activities around and not being informed about certain developments really got onto me. Its better certain things remain in dark if in dark. That, the truth is never sweet, especially when you come to know of it accidentally. And that is when you know you have lost preference. That was when i realized the gaps in what i expected, to the results i got. And from then on, i was able to manage myself better.
The after effects do remain and spikes out now and then. But i am able to largely manage my emotions better. I will be shifting base in a few days. This new assignment has changed certain things around for me now. But the craving for lost preference has never, and i think will never die. So, it was clear that my whole life last few days, rather months was being guided by this single weakness of craving for lost preference. Although i have found it extremely difficult to get out of it, i can only otherwise start understanding what i really want in life and go behind it, while i still carry this burden of trying to gain lost preference.
Its like John Nash. You see, he is never out of this hallucination of people driving him crazy. No medication, absolutely no medication helps him. He finally decides to accept it and live with it as he continues his work in Mathematics. Human Mind i come to understand now, is the most strangest thing i have encountered in life. Guess what, it is my own mind and how i have failed in understanding it. Of course John Nash, won a Nobel. He was a freak. Now the question is, can i be one? No, i don't intend to dream of a Nobel. My technical skills are so poor that i have limited myself to working with people. Now, that is another weakness guiding my life. I really hope with this realization i will still be able to look at other options to integrate as i go ahead and start working with people. Its just that can i be the one who followed his passion and succeeded?
So, when i look back at my life now, and compare it with an achiever at the age of 25, i have no matches on the check list except that i have quit a lucrative job for something i want, which i am not yet very clear about. This does send the chills down the spine, when i look at my friends who have already started to save for the future. Some of them happily married as well. And i am standing here at the cross roads, ready to leave behind all that defined me for the people who saw me from outside. I am here standing at the cross roads, as the new journey beckons strong. It is undoubtedly exciting. I am all geared up and ready. But little concerns flashes across.
The facts of those achievers at 25, really don't suggest all this emotional drama in their lives. I am happy for them, if they haven't experienced such shit in their life. Facts are there to see. A person standing in the queue for an opportunity to work under the best director in the film industry is obvious. We all can gauge the heat and his/ her hunger and perseverance. But knowing just about these facts will not inspire much. As far as i am concerned, every person has his/her own situations to deal with. Any physical situation can be dealt with as long as we are really serious about what we want in life. Even Steve Jobs cried his heart out, when he was thrown out of his own company. This nobody cares for a fact in the growth story of Apple Computers Inc and Steve Jobs himself. I think i have realized this for a fact, that it is about being strong in such emotionally pressing situations that will take a person far.
And when i looked back at my own life, i have to agree that i have failed in being strong inherently. Although my expression of weakness has been largely selective, it doesn't mean i was able to be strong enough at other places. But strangely so, again, things have happened. I was able to steer a lot of activities on my desk ahead to success. Now, that is when i start to look at myself again. How was i able to hold the fort together, even when the chips were down and out. It all suggested one thing. At certain places, i was actually playing to my strength. With this, the haze around started to clear off slowly, layer by layer.
It is only logical now for me to play my life like how John Nash turned back at his, just before he won the Nobel. Its not a gentleman's action to force lost preference. Let the world know of you, when they want to. The focus needs to shift and for good. It is important to build on the strengths. Managing oneself is quite a humongous task. Getting inspired on facts is easy. Unless you aren't aware of your own situation, you cant move a hair.
One thing i know for a fact now, that i still have a long way to go for this piece of shit i have written to be considered as one of those struggling stories.
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