Lost again!

I was thinking how to start. As always should I start with a question? Well, i just did that. Its never ending, these questions. How difficult it is to have clarity in life. One thing i realize is that there are two ways a person can be really happy. One, is of course to have total clarity about whats happening around and the other one is, to remain ignorant about it. Stuck in between these two levels, i was confused and at times ashamed about myself these days. I certainly did expect things to turn out the way it ought to. The expectations always seemed positive. The matter of the fact lies in one's reaction to the way the expectations are satisfied or the reactions when it is not. 

Anyway, I thought i had understood life in its true sense. And i was not aware that nothing in this world can be gauged without being tested. I believe now, that i am under one such scrutiny and i so participate in it wholeheartedly. In this participation, little yet major things about me is coming out to light. It has all been a revelation to me. For some others;  it might be normal, something that one can get over easily. But for me, it has been, quite to say, the hardest phase of my life. I have had more physically excruciating times before, but emotionally it was all sane. But not this phase, no. 

Pain is a crazy word. What you feel due to pain is never constant. It will either reduce or increase every second you live through it. And the scale of it has to be understood at a more personal context and not be generalized. An year back, never had I thought that one day I would emote such emotions out. Things will change, rapidly. What more can be done, but to adapt. There has been big business units shut down for not adapting to the changes in the way the market behaved. What is it at the end of the day? It does boil down to an individual's requirement, doesn't it? Same i think, is with life. One needs to understand that there will be change. Accept it when it comes and then adapt to it to help yourself more than anything else. 

So why i am writing all this, i ask to myself. And i get a look back from this guy whom i am not able to clearly see, suggesting an answer. All i can do is feel his thoughts and try to express it in a view to get an answer to the question in front. And the answer, although i am not very certain of it, hints that, it might be too premature to be asking such big questions in life already. The thing I realized joining a few bits and pieces of my cracked up life is that when you crave for something very dearly and that you are sure of not getting to it even if its in front of your eyes, that's when we all start getting cranky. That's when we undermine ourselves to a shameful low. That's when we do things which we normally hate to see others do. That's when you start compromising on your ideals and beliefs in life. That

s when it gets all messed up. And that's when you realize, that you have lost it, temporarily at least. Then you know that there are possibilities and doors open still, but you have no strength to push yourselves into it. 

When i read all of it i have written till now, i wonder, how can my mind go through such scary psychopath like emotions and still ascertain some of it quite well to my understanding at least. Then i come to a point thinking where i stop and try to get out of it. Sometimes get lost, deliberately. I like solitude. I love to be alone with people around. I love company. But a company where every individual is lost in their own world of imagination. This is a bit confusing, but that is clearly who i am. I may seem to be a confused soul to a large no of folks around. But if that is who i am, then i should accept it and respect it, shouldn't i? At least i now know the starting point. So as to stay, i am back at ground zero. 

I was at few places, during my expression here, a bit afraid. I was watching this video by Russel Peters. It was directed onto the Indian stereotypes and our approach to certain things in life. He made fun of it. When i watched this stuff while i was in college, i was burning from within at the fact that our own guy has started making fun of us, after crossing the border. Well, watching it again, i felt there was some truth about people outside making fun of our stereotypes. Not that this stand up comedian is some philosopher who preaches truth and sanity. It is just that we are used to take things overboard that aren't important and leave alone those which are the actual need of the hour. Now, what made me look at that video again, i don't know. May be, i was looking out for some deliberate distraction. Putting myself into the shoe of an Indian who is made fun of, i fit in perfectly at most places. All i am trying to tell is, we know inherently what is not right and what is, but still we refrain from following the truth. So this clearly made me a bit scared to express certain things. Although not many people will know about it with me inking it here, it is just that at the end of the day i will have a light head to put onto my pillow. 

So where does this leads me to, If should it lead me. 'It', what? My thoughts? If yes, then it is dangerous, because i know for a fact that i don't think. And thoughts just come. You cannot think to have a thought. Yeah, now i am totally confused. If no, it doesn't matter to bother as i am lost anyway. If there is a soul out there that understands these thoughts just as they come, it might be of some help. Thoughts have no life until and unless expressed. That's when you feel a requirement of another individual/ another thing who/ which feels lost as much as you are. Just so you can express your thoughts that just come out of nowhere and still get a reaction that makes the whole scene normal. Only to make it easier to comprehend your own behaviour to yourself more than anybody/ anything else.

I think now, whether i have to stop here or go on a cribbing spree. And i continue just to get myself cleared off the complex tangle inside. Why will i do that? Is it so easy? As a matter of fact, it is. I have an experience justifying it. Although i don't want to open up all my cards and get too light, this length would suffice to help me out of my current state of mind. I have made some conscious decisions last few days. To adapt to change, you need to change to adapt. Now that's where i found it a bit confusing at first. But yeah, now its time to get to work. But certain things will still remain in the head, reminding me of all the sorry's i had to say in my life. I don't want land on the safety net of 'To err is human'. But if it gives me confidence to look ahead fresh and start over, so be it. I will surely welcome it. One thing is clear, that i wont be able to carry all my earlier attributes along. Expression of facts is a bit seemingly difficult but i shall save it for a good reaction sometime later. I am clearly lost, but with a hope of being found again.