A Characteristic Immoderation!

It has been a while I wrote. There were a lot of conflicts within my head, which I wanted to put out and relieve myself of it. Sooner I realized that life moves on quickly and that there are people around with bigger issues. Now, if I look back at the problems I have seen, as an outsider, one thing becomes very clear to me that I could have never survived being an insider. The kind of experiences I put myself through, was something I never imagined I would ever have in my life. I will try to be honest to the best of my abilities on the qualitative part of the narration. I am still scared to throw out certain facts here; something which I will have to get over eventually.

Quitting my job was not hard. I was going through quite a tough phase by then already. 5 months before I quit my job, I committed a mistake which grew into the biggest blunder of my life. I had just put to shape the broken pieces of my life post my motorcycle accident. And all I got then was 6 months to really have a fantastic shot at life. And then boom, I blew it all out. I am facing the blown out repercussions even after a year. But the various experiences I had in this one year have helped me calm down and give a break to my cribbing in life. Lot of things happened; there was a visible progress in justifying my interests and passion to myself. Skill was hard to come by; I clearly didn’t know what I carried with me all through. All I knew was that I had seen people suffering and I wanted to act. I have the best friends, friends for life, who seem like clarity personified. I get lot of cynical inputs from them even today. And I welcome it. But none of it seemed to really help then. I was in my own chaotic fascinations which blocked the entry for the good in those suggestions to really help me out.

Now that I had quit my job and it was seemingly becoming difficult to keep myself engaged. Kaleido helped me not make my life more miserable. Project Deriya and various other activities kept me going for whatever time it did. In the midst of this chaotic undercurrent that my life was just going through, Kaleido was registered as a non-profit organization. But it failed to demand my full time.  I decided to move out and volunteer or intern somewhere; some place where I was hoping to find the true calling of my life, so as to say, to get a little clarity about my own situation. So I built up a resume and wrote to a few people and a lesser few replied. And I finally ended up volunteering for Samata, a tribal rights organization in the Eastern Ghats. I knew from the beginning of this whole process that the intention partly was to run away from all the chaos my mind was in and look at life, fresh. And in this whole process, I crossed another birthday of mine. At 26, things do look differently. It’s the same things around, yet they are different. May be they would have seemed the same if I had not opened to the wonders of nature, or if I had not accepted the extreme freedom in all sanity but at certain specific instances or if I had not given time to think about myself and myself only or if I had not allowed myself set to change in tune with the new wave that hit me. I had by this time realized that my mind was working well for others, but for me.

Impressed with the story of Christopher McCandless all these while, I was more than just excited to set out on this journey. I knew things were not clear. I knew I had no plans even for the next six months. Although I had discussed an action plan for the next five years before hitting the road, with my family and friends, I realized after a few exposures here, that I am supposed to be doing things differently to reach where I think I wanted to. So, it didn’t take much time for the reality to pull me back to it at ground zero. Initially it was difficult to cut myself completely off from all that I was before. The first month in the Kambalakonda Reserve Forest, was a good break away from my comfort zone. This is where I realized I had my own zone and limits of feeling comfortable and that without my awareness I was enjoying the luxuries of it, all these while. It was quite a revelation. Although I was living out of a suitcase, quite literally, prior to this, the belief inside that I can live out any situation successfully was really put to test. I was living all by myself for the first time in my life. My consistent travels across the country didn’t really offer me this opportunity, as I was returning back home under a week’s time in the most extreme case of travelling. It was a few crazy stints nevertheless. Kambalakonda helped me settle down a bit, take a deep breath and open my eyes for all the routines around, which for me were seemingly new, every bit. The wait for the Indian Roller to fly and land onto the wooden post in front of my cottage was something I really enjoyed. It was quite a sight. 

Indian Roller - Karnataka's and Andhra's state bird

The winter cold was quite unbearable. And nearly a month here, I started packing to travel to my work location, Deccapuram, a tribal village inside the Borra Reserve Forest. And this is where things really turned around for me. I think looking back now; I can confidently tell that I will be a regular visitor to this place. Not necessarily as a tourist, but as an outsider who had lived with the tribals inside the forest for a month and had for that period and days to come, become one of theirs. Deccapuram and its people were the greatest influence in my life off late apart from the thoughts about my loved ones and dear ones back home whose concern offered a lot of warmth to the winter chill and my loneliness too sometimes. Of course Dire Straits, Bob Dylan, Leonard Cohen, Manu Chao, Pink Floyd and various other legends just gave brilliant company through their music. I just couldn’t live without these people, maybe I never can. Just a few days before I left, I was told about my assignment at Borra and was cautioned about the problems there. I am sure there was some expectation on me to understand things there, to solve some problems at least, if not all. I was just excited about the challenges I might have to face while I live inside the forests with the tribals as much as I was about attending to all the problems that were prevailing in the area for the past twenty odd years! The ultimate freedom was calling with both hands open. 

I had seen problems. That is the point. I never had one in my life. My parents and my brother can be really proud of themselves for having been able to raise a child who had no idea what it is to live with a problem in life. I guess they consumed it all for me. All the issues that were a minute part of my life were all my own making. So, in that sense, I have had a good education, had food as per my requirements and schedule and a secure shelter/s to get back to, warm clothing to keep away from the cold, doctors to treat me even when I am just carrying a normal headache, and a motorcycle, just so I enjoy the roads of Bangalore. Not that there was no public bus facilities to my then workplace. Well, friends who cared for me, family which thought the world inside of me, access to clean water, if not clean then packaged, nice restaurants and money in the wallet always, something at least. Imagine a person cribbing after having led this life. That’s me. Cribbing never seemed to stop until I saw the people living inside these forests. I guess it was my indulgence that helped me, not just my observation. I went through each and every thing that they go through, if not in total fairness, to some extent at least. It was quite a characteristic immoderation to get rid of a false belief within and clear off all the fallacious attachments in life. I became furious about my own conduct and behavior towards my life. It was quite a task to manage myself suddenly becoming restless.  

Living in a small hut inside a sleeping bag in the middle of the forest for a month really had an effect on me. To see children not complaining but accepting the fact that they get to eat only once a day most of the times, and to see the hopeful eyes of those educated tribal youth settling to sell cigarettes and biscuits to tourists, to drink water from a river where I and all the villagers used to defecate and wash our clothes alongside its banks, and to still see people trying to look at the brighter side of whatever’s left out of this life of theirs, put a clean and a big full stop to my cribbing. It was a parallel process. As I went about understanding them, layer after layer of my own self opened up. I didn’t stop this happening. I just let it be, to try and uncover myself completely to nudity and see what it is that is really controlling me from within. Although I have my own doubts whether have I been able to uncover myself completely, but it surely has changed me. It is difficult now to recall who I was before. And as my brother recently remarked in a discussion on the same, that, we can only know whether a person has really changed or not when he is put in an extreme situation. That test, I have to pass still.

It was not as I thought it is, outside. All the articles I read on the internet and opinions I believed to be as facts on social media platforms, discussions and debates on issues like Women empowerment etc. just because somebody posted some video at some random time while women in the ground continued to suffer day in and day out, was all a waste of time. The reality is totally different. To sit in Bangalore and fight over Delhi's elections was a big joke, when I was unaware of who our mayor is and who to approach to get a street light fixed. I was happy living with no street lights in the road I took every day, but was totally concerned about issues that really didn’t affect me in anyway; the neglect which in a way resulted into a catastrophe. Just that I rammed my motorcycle into a guy pushing his auto rickshaw and ended up spending half my savings on him and myself. And this is one of the major things I learnt spending my time in Borra. People here stood for their rights, for their neighbour’s rights as well and questioned the people responsible. They took action. And they did all this, for bare survival; for drinking water, for roads and for a permanent shelter. Shouldn’t we be ashamed that we have people in our own neighbourhood struggling for survival, while we are talking of being the next super power?

My understanding became a lot clear here. I have always enjoyed the company of a kid. Children actually inspire me. I envy them for their innocence and all the positive thoughts they carry. They are all the same wherever you go. Language is not a barrier at all if you want to communicate with them. Let me just share a small incident here that played a major role in clearing off my false perspectives towards life. I had just come back visiting a village called Karakavalsa nearly 12 kilometers away from where I stayed, walking. It had been a routine for me to walk 10 to 12 kilometers every day! As I said, there is no road connectivity here. The kids were playing in front of the hut, two boys and a girl. This girl was an elder sister to one of the boys that was part of this group. I had always tried to make friends with them, especially the little sister. She was too concerned about her little brother more than my mobile phone, the videos in my laptop and the camera I tried to show. Never did she feel impressed with all this to try and connect with me. All she allowed me to do was to stand at a distance and watch her play while she took care of her little brother.  And they started playing. It became a bit intense. All these three kids got their legs locked up and fell. Of course they started crying. This girl although going through her own pain managed to still put her little arms over her brother. Their caretakers looking at this, like I was, came and took with them her brother and started consoling him. This little sister was left all alone, and she continued crying. I went to her and started rubbing her feet slowly, where she was supposedly hurt. Three rubs, just three, she stopped crying and there was a big smile on her face. And post this incident, she just couldn’t leave my hut. I simply enjoyed her company and all of her friends’ too, while I was working on my report here. You see, what was it that really connected me to her, when all the materialistic interests failed to be of value. What was it that connected her to her little brother? They were eating only one meal a day! She always had the same frock on her and her little brother the same torn shirt. Even in such a situation she was all bright and happy when she was with her little brother. Nothing more, be told now on this. It is just that most of us back in the city, are so drowned in this world of materialistic pacification, that we forget what the real requirement is. You strip a kid of all its current possession and ask what it wants; it will answer the way this little girl answered to me; love and care. As I said, language is not a barrier. And I now realize that this is for real! I was privileged to have both as a kid and even now. If ever I complain of it, then it will be my own making and not otherwise. 

With the little sister and her brother

Borra Gram Panchayat falls under the schedule area as mentioned in the Fifth Schedule of our constitution and the understanding of State and its executive powers in these areas is totally different. State is a third party. With the people here preferring the non-governmental organizations over the State, the situation needs a total revamp for the government to build trust to take the country towards a more prosperous destination. And this as I understood, requires a lot of citizen participation. People like me and you should step forward to attend to such issues. And I am extremely glad to have met lot of such people here. Mr Ravi Rebbapragada, the Executive Director of Samata, needs no formal introduction. The coolest man I have ever worked with has put his life on this issue. Samata Judgement is a standing example of his concern towards the people of the forests. Today I can only be thankful to him for having replied to my volunteering request even in the midst of his recovery from the Hud-Hud cyclone; thankful for not letting me see these problems, but letting me be inside these problems. The ultimate freedom of expression that there was with him helped me uncover the fallacy in it. I saw myself getting over it slowly, bit by bit. As I said earlier, it was a parallel process. May be that is why this journey of mine will be one of the best ever. The journey I took to rediscover myself as much as I took to try and understand and contribute to the situation around.

I do not have much idea on how much I was able to contribute to the situation around, in this effectively four month stay away from home. But I sure got a new direction, rather clarity in the path I have chosen. What it is that sparked inside, I don’t know; but I feel quite light headed now. There was no plan and now I know that it was essential to simply expose completely to what was on offer to know myself better. Reason sometimes builds a wall to our progress. The progress I am talking about has no quantifiable index for measurement. You will feel it, when there is one. That is it. It becomes difficult to understand it either, but you’d know that you have just kept a step forward. Yet, I am not able to get over everything I carried here in my head before, as for some of it, I don’t want to either. I think it’s time to remain hopeful and have a more positive outlook towards life, to start it fresh. For now, I am heading off from the forests of the Eastern Ghats in a few days with lot of hope and a bag full of experience, to start my life all over again, at 26!

With the Borra tribals and their hut where I stayed!

Without my parents, my brother and my friends supporting me on this journey, I would have still remained in my own chaotic fascinations. Or is it just a feeling? I don’t know. But I had the time of my life here. Such awesome people around, my respect towards them will only increase even in their absence. Change I realized was always within me. It was a futile search for it, outside, all these days. As Paulo Coelho writes in The Alchemist, ‘If you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of God, you help the soul of the World, and you understand why you are here.”  I am more eager now to fight that much hard and hopefully understand why I am here.