Perception

The day goes by without a notice, now. This time last year, I had quit my job and was sitting in the house thinking what can possibly be made out of the life I had. Certain blunders had already been committed. I was just thinking what worse can I do. Now, I can have a light heart towards it. But I still remain regretful for some of my actions. Once the glass is broken, it is. The only thing that can be done is to grind them and design a better one. Lot of things changed. Friends remark on my behaviour giving me a ‘not so pleasant to listen’ feedback because that is the fact. I have become more reserved and not so getting along with the perceived way of life; only because I still remain confused on so many aspects of it. It is easy to stop being extensively cynical and view life over a pint of chilled beer and puff a smoke like there is no tomorrow. Now I realize that I had to get rid of all the reasoning to have certain experiences in life that has brought back the requirement of reason but those which are justified. Nearly there, 27 years almost, it is quite a confusing age. The blood seemingly boiling, tries to cool down into a nice bowl. Spillovers reduce drastically. Damn! 27!

In this process I have become reserved. It is not that I am carrying a complex. It is just that for certain things I just don’t give a damn. This is where my friends and my family too have started remarking. I guess it is prominent then. Living to the requirements of the ecosystem is normal. Try to put a step out of this framework, a sea of caution hits you from every side. I respect that. It has to be. But I carry on with what I want to do. And at this point, I become a person who I was not before. When you don’t give a damn to the repercussions why bother about the catastrophe itself. Just so many things happening around, my involvement in activities ends my day at 12 in the night. Sundays are no exceptions. The only time I get to do nothing is when I sit with my friend in a posh café like once in two weeks. I am not bragging, but I was just trying to comprehend. With this new schedule that has taken over my life, it is not that I am not getting time, it is just that the priorities are being set without any hesitation. I think everyone should be like this. Life definitely becomes simple.

I am not writing here to give advice for free, unlike today’s charity situation. A refrigerator to be discarded? Well give it away for free and call it a donation and wear a pride donor badge for a showcase. No, not like that free. Once written is written. And that’s why I have started to make real sense to myself of what is being written here as against an intention to share things. I have had a clear exit point from a ‘fooling myself’ phase of life. As I see it now, fooling myself has neither worked wonders for me nor to anyone. All those issues I tried to avoid for others putting myself in a fix has only been a road running in vain. I still love the forests. A 4x4 is what I am saving for and the only place I can really be myself is when I am with children. A smooth and a chilled beer alongside the sea is a luxury that I can actually afford. And I have considered it. It pains me that we are trying to live happily inside problems. Why can’t we solve them first! Convincing ourselves, justifying ourselves that the problems’ existence is the way of life and becoming dependant to find happiness, sorry true happiness per se, total bull shit! It is cool to try and find order in chaos. I am not questioning that. Nor am I insisting on order. My concern is only on the blind following of perceptions in sorting out order within a chaos.

I saw my life slowly turning into something concrete which the perceived society ordered; to build layers over layers. It literally pushed me into depression, the sight of the wall that was built already. None of us know how to attend to a problem in real time pertaining to our own neighbourhood, apart from flashing the issue on social media to get a few hits. I can easily generalize this, me including. And that is why all this fuss. And to attend to this, I am on my way out. In fact, we are on our way out. Lot of things needed to change. Lot of things had to happen. But you know what, the first thing I realized was; lot of things of my own self had to change. And with what was decided then had such an impact, I am still not able to really gauge it. The mind feels less complicated now. Multitasking was a burden before, but I am actually happy with so many things happening around me. I can see a few dots connecting.

This gets me to a point where I stop looking back at the route I have taken and simply continue with what I am doing. As for now, I am doing what I am doing with full belief. This surely sets me up to even digest the possible failure that I may face in the near future. As one of a senior person was advising me lately on how to retain mental peace in life; it was easy to comprehend but has been difficult to follow. But I am on my way. I hope. I Believe.