A subtle breeze!
All these while I wrote, it was just out of the blue, raw and not processed to suit a certain style. It was simply an outburst of what I was going through inside. I have seldom took facts in the forefront but have been completely true to the emotions expressed. Not that i was sure of what I was writing, it is just that a few dots connect when I go through my blogs archive and try to put things into perspective. My emotions had reached the epitome of heaviness. It had to only climb down now. I just took a deep breath and saw it slowly subsiding. Four years is enough time for a considerable change in life. Lot of things happened. Looking back at these 4 years post college; I remember being told in college that the real life begins once I graduate out of college and that I should be able to face this world to survive. And i am writing today to share that I have had one of the best entries into it. I have decided that, now, is a good time to reflect.
It is a strange connection we share. 8 years we have been together now. Theatre brought us together and we got into each other’s life when we trekked the Kodachadri peak in the western ghats. We didn’t meet regularly. But whenever we did, we only grew stronger between us. There was no competition whatsoever. We didnt compliment each other’s work as well. In that sense, with very less common interests it was a strange relationship. And there was no effort at all to keep it alive although it was not so happening. I think we have maintained an excellent balance. Just an awesome friend of mine, who is as adventurous in his life as Christopher McCandles, who is as confused as i am and who is as hopeful as no one else on this earth i have seen. He likes a bit of anonymity in his works. And so to make him happy I shall keep it low about him. The point is not about him, but about us, about the interactions between us last one month, about all my experience of last four years which I was able to put it into perspective as a result of our interaction.
Started to pen down this article to understand the journey I took inside myself last 4 years; lot of struggle and little successes here and there. It is not much of a showcase, but an honest articulation of all that i went through would really help me settle. As you might have guessed by now, I am trying to find a balance in life now. This has always been my case. All that I have written till date has been very intuitive. I could see a random closure to thoughts, as with writing, my mind was calming down. Once it was out of fire, well, the article ended too. Sometimes this intuition was extending for over a week. I have seldom edited all that I wrote. Well, the point is, I was clearly true to my emotions and in my expression of it.
At this time last year my life took a turn that even I had not expected a few months before i took that decision. It was time for me to live my life, with complete freedom. My mind was clogged up with all necessary things. I say, both clogged and necessary for a reason. I had messed up a lot of things in life. Although through time I had this belief about my people management skills growing strong, I had screwed up managing myself. It was very evident. But it was the time when I started to trust myself a bit more. After having prepared for the Tata Institute of Social Sciences entrance exam for a month, an internal turmoil started. I attributed it to my fickle mindedness and understood that it is my laziness calling. I decided against studying further. Instead of feeling bad about this decision, I was actually free inside. It was not long before I started to feel justified about my decision. I got a reply back from the activist group in the Eastern Ghats accepting my request to volunteer. Wondering how a person can drop the idea of studying further over a volunteering opportunity, I was bewildered myself. Lesser did I know then, it was a start of something really beautiful in my life. It wasn’t my laziness, I am sure now. It was out of something very real inside of me, which I realized later. These inner callings in life takes you leaps and bounds. I think, we just have to trust and follow. You may also call it intuition, but according to me, it is way beyond intuition. It is sometimes beyond reason as well. It is something only you know and only you can decide.
The next four months of my life turned out like I never expected. I could see myself behaving very differently. I should say, i was feeling really free inside. The screen of a false diplomatic face had shattered, clearly. It was difficult to carry the actual me. It took sometime to accept the new way of life, a new found love. I have gone over and over thinking and writing about my experiences there. It was simply crazy. And if I look back at it again, for one last time, I hope, it doesn’t look much different, but now, it looks complete. To try and understand how as a person I underwent a change and to package my learnings there, I requested my friend to help me in documenting my entire story into some art form. He has now started to write.
We met a lot of times last one month, to discuss on this and more. It was not intentional, rather it was a brilliant connect between each other that pulled us for a discussion. As I said about maintaining the balance between us; we were able to leverage on this, to meet again after nearly 6 to 7 months. Well, it was like we had met just the day before. Nothing could have stopped my expression that day. I was able to take back some value at the end of every discussion. And it certainly didn’t allow me to sleep that night. He shared that it was no different at his end. I think I was just waiting for him to say that. Whatever little hesitation there was, simply stripped out of my expressions. The struggle was not too hard to remember. The thoughts were just flowing out of my mind like a river post monsoon. But not every thought got a voice. We spoke less, compared to what hit our minds. I am sure that is the case with him as well. The cloud cover however was slowly clearing. The silver lining around the clouds started to become more prominent. And the only fact I spoke about was of my experiences in the Eastern Ghats and a few habits I have picked up enroute. Enjoying tea, cup after cup and seeing the smoke disappear under the light bulb as the roll stuck between the two fingers got smaller and smaller, the discussion never seemed to have reached an end point. Two hours of freedom; that was what it was.
All the uneasiness at my first job, the little successes in it later, the decision of quitting a job without being sure of the next step, to have screwed up a few relationships and to have built quite a few strong ones, to be going into a forest to learn and ending up finding myself in it; I should accept post college, the learning has been spectacular. Although the learning in life never stops, this much is pretty sufficient to be packaged into one big phase from which I can at least be sure of not committing certain mistakes again in my life. Imagine the rush of all these things into my mind suddenly, at once. I mean, I was at the brink of a breakdown. But it was obvious that I would handle the situation. Well, I can now heave a sigh of relief. The selective outburst has really helped me to become more objective in life. Trust me; when you look at things objectively you will solve most of the problems. What more take away would one need, if at the end of it if one can feel light and free from within. Influenced a lot by the conversations between Danny Archer and Maddy Bowen from the movie ‘Blood Diamond’; subtle but intense, I enjoyed all that we spoke. The set up and the ambience could have been much better, though it didn’t really bother us. The pain subsided and hid itself in a corner. I was clearly able to ignore them to look ahead. What started as an interaction about our struggles ended up when we met last with a promise about our future and interests in life. It was crazy. Never in my life had I felt so sure of what I want. With such a deep concurrence within myself, I went silent. I just couldn’t put words to what I felt that moment. I thought it was better to remain silent and listen to my friend. The emotional strength and the mental energy I thought I had lost, had by now started kicking back.
What began at the starting of this year, sure has found a completion now. When I finally look back, nothing much has changed. I am the same person. Just that, now, I know what I am.
It is a strange connection we share. 8 years we have been together now. Theatre brought us together and we got into each other’s life when we trekked the Kodachadri peak in the western ghats. We didn’t meet regularly. But whenever we did, we only grew stronger between us. There was no competition whatsoever. We didnt compliment each other’s work as well. In that sense, with very less common interests it was a strange relationship. And there was no effort at all to keep it alive although it was not so happening. I think we have maintained an excellent balance. Just an awesome friend of mine, who is as adventurous in his life as Christopher McCandles, who is as confused as i am and who is as hopeful as no one else on this earth i have seen. He likes a bit of anonymity in his works. And so to make him happy I shall keep it low about him. The point is not about him, but about us, about the interactions between us last one month, about all my experience of last four years which I was able to put it into perspective as a result of our interaction.
Started to pen down this article to understand the journey I took inside myself last 4 years; lot of struggle and little successes here and there. It is not much of a showcase, but an honest articulation of all that i went through would really help me settle. As you might have guessed by now, I am trying to find a balance in life now. This has always been my case. All that I have written till date has been very intuitive. I could see a random closure to thoughts, as with writing, my mind was calming down. Once it was out of fire, well, the article ended too. Sometimes this intuition was extending for over a week. I have seldom edited all that I wrote. Well, the point is, I was clearly true to my emotions and in my expression of it.
At this time last year my life took a turn that even I had not expected a few months before i took that decision. It was time for me to live my life, with complete freedom. My mind was clogged up with all necessary things. I say, both clogged and necessary for a reason. I had messed up a lot of things in life. Although through time I had this belief about my people management skills growing strong, I had screwed up managing myself. It was very evident. But it was the time when I started to trust myself a bit more. After having prepared for the Tata Institute of Social Sciences entrance exam for a month, an internal turmoil started. I attributed it to my fickle mindedness and understood that it is my laziness calling. I decided against studying further. Instead of feeling bad about this decision, I was actually free inside. It was not long before I started to feel justified about my decision. I got a reply back from the activist group in the Eastern Ghats accepting my request to volunteer. Wondering how a person can drop the idea of studying further over a volunteering opportunity, I was bewildered myself. Lesser did I know then, it was a start of something really beautiful in my life. It wasn’t my laziness, I am sure now. It was out of something very real inside of me, which I realized later. These inner callings in life takes you leaps and bounds. I think, we just have to trust and follow. You may also call it intuition, but according to me, it is way beyond intuition. It is sometimes beyond reason as well. It is something only you know and only you can decide.
The next four months of my life turned out like I never expected. I could see myself behaving very differently. I should say, i was feeling really free inside. The screen of a false diplomatic face had shattered, clearly. It was difficult to carry the actual me. It took sometime to accept the new way of life, a new found love. I have gone over and over thinking and writing about my experiences there. It was simply crazy. And if I look back at it again, for one last time, I hope, it doesn’t look much different, but now, it looks complete. To try and understand how as a person I underwent a change and to package my learnings there, I requested my friend to help me in documenting my entire story into some art form. He has now started to write.
We met a lot of times last one month, to discuss on this and more. It was not intentional, rather it was a brilliant connect between each other that pulled us for a discussion. As I said about maintaining the balance between us; we were able to leverage on this, to meet again after nearly 6 to 7 months. Well, it was like we had met just the day before. Nothing could have stopped my expression that day. I was able to take back some value at the end of every discussion. And it certainly didn’t allow me to sleep that night. He shared that it was no different at his end. I think I was just waiting for him to say that. Whatever little hesitation there was, simply stripped out of my expressions. The struggle was not too hard to remember. The thoughts were just flowing out of my mind like a river post monsoon. But not every thought got a voice. We spoke less, compared to what hit our minds. I am sure that is the case with him as well. The cloud cover however was slowly clearing. The silver lining around the clouds started to become more prominent. And the only fact I spoke about was of my experiences in the Eastern Ghats and a few habits I have picked up enroute. Enjoying tea, cup after cup and seeing the smoke disappear under the light bulb as the roll stuck between the two fingers got smaller and smaller, the discussion never seemed to have reached an end point. Two hours of freedom; that was what it was.
All the uneasiness at my first job, the little successes in it later, the decision of quitting a job without being sure of the next step, to have screwed up a few relationships and to have built quite a few strong ones, to be going into a forest to learn and ending up finding myself in it; I should accept post college, the learning has been spectacular. Although the learning in life never stops, this much is pretty sufficient to be packaged into one big phase from which I can at least be sure of not committing certain mistakes again in my life. Imagine the rush of all these things into my mind suddenly, at once. I mean, I was at the brink of a breakdown. But it was obvious that I would handle the situation. Well, I can now heave a sigh of relief. The selective outburst has really helped me to become more objective in life. Trust me; when you look at things objectively you will solve most of the problems. What more take away would one need, if at the end of it if one can feel light and free from within. Influenced a lot by the conversations between Danny Archer and Maddy Bowen from the movie ‘Blood Diamond’; subtle but intense, I enjoyed all that we spoke. The set up and the ambience could have been much better, though it didn’t really bother us. The pain subsided and hid itself in a corner. I was clearly able to ignore them to look ahead. What started as an interaction about our struggles ended up when we met last with a promise about our future and interests in life. It was crazy. Never in my life had I felt so sure of what I want. With such a deep concurrence within myself, I went silent. I just couldn’t put words to what I felt that moment. I thought it was better to remain silent and listen to my friend. The emotional strength and the mental energy I thought I had lost, had by now started kicking back.
What began at the starting of this year, sure has found a completion now. When I finally look back, nothing much has changed. I am the same person. Just that, now, I know what I am.
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